It's 22:21. Benjamin is purring & wheezing next to me. He has a bad cough - definitely bronchitis. I've given meds, rubbed vicks, propped him up with a pillow and I'm still freaked out. Please get better little rabbit son.
Graeme and Noah have fallen asleep on the couch together - a new habit of theirs. I'm not getting involved; I love having Ben next to me and then Graeme or Noah crawl in with us in the middle of the night - sometimes all four of us are in here until someone else escapes to the couch for legroom. I don't know why we bothered putting beds in the boys' bedroom anyway. All they want is to be with us, and I know that one day it won't be like this and they won't want to cuddle with me all night, so I'm bending all the rules. Routine is overrated.
We made steak wraps tonight with humus, chutney, herbs, avo and carrots. We watched Ghostbusters in the lounge together. I packed lunches, Graeme played with the boys. I skipped their bath & said we'd do it in the morning. Last night the boys had cake pops for dinner.
I don't really have anything in particular to say or write about - I suppose I just want someone to talk to. I've got so much on my mind, but nothing I want to get in to right now. I've written and deleted several blog posts to try and articulate where I am right now, but nothing hits the spot.
Working on my own has completely changed everything about our lives and taken away so much pressure, rushing and stress. Today I took a break (Roger ate my MacBook charger and I had to send it away for repair) and I lay in bed all day just napping, eating, reading, napping some more and stretching. I can do that. I can take a day to just sleep. I don't have to call anyone, feel guilty, promise to check my emails every half hour... I can just do what I want. It is everything. It's something I've never had and I appreciate every second.
Everything is so deliciously normal right now. Graeme and I haven't had an argument or disagreement in forfreakingever. We're planning our December holiday. Working on the boys' room (the one they're never in) and the bunny castle. Grays is building me a rabbit hutch and it's going to be amazing - like the giant dollhouse I never had. I'm building the ultimate kids viewing collection and promising myself that I'll sort out the boys' cupboards and toys, which I never do. Things are just. so. normal.
Last night, G and I just spoke for hours. We spoke about business ideas, design, my blog, his career, our future and all our little ideas and side projects that we're ready to take to the next phase. We spoke about a school for the boys (this affects where we'd want to buy a house) and again, we spoke about having another baba - a conversation that we're having more frequently this past year. Somewhere amongst this, Grays said something that has really affected me. He said that I am like my old self again lately - the Tash that he fell in love with. He said that I laugh at his jokes again, I'm more playful, relaxed and light hearted. That I was more ME.
I keep wondering where I lost it - at what point did all the stress and pressure get so out of hand that I literally lost bits of my personality. That I lost my friendship with my husband. My bond with my boys. These past three months, the squirrels and I are tighter than Roger & my MacBook charger. I feel so close to my family again, I feel 'here'. I've given up on routine, perfection, corporate ladders, pretentious people, negative friends and disappointments. I'm done with rushing, stressing, schedules, organizing and appearances. So many things don't actually matter at all. I have dozens of unanswered emails in my inbox right now that really can wait until tomorrow. I have so much positive energy going on, and I don't need to prove anything to a single person. I really can just be myself.
It's 23:02. I'm going to take one last look around the internet and then start planning this little family's next moves and adventures.