It's Benjamin's birthday in November and I'm already thinking about it. Wondering how my littlest boy is almost three years old. I'm wondering how I'm going to cope without a small baby child in the house. My body is literally doing star-jumps asking for another little baba. It's all little shop of horrors in my uterus at the moment:
And although I want nothing more than to add another sweet little face to our family right now, there are other life things that we need to take care of first. We need to get our current children in to a great school, buy a house and have an actual third bedroom to store additional offspring in. I've just started my own company and Graeme is working on seriously exciting projects. Now that the boys are older & more independent, they play together for hours which frees up a little bit more time for us to focus on other little things like our future. Bringing a pregnancy & newborn in to the mix right now would really just not work. It would sink everything. I'm going to be a super responsible, un-fun and un-romantic person here and get my uterus doing this:
Tonight Bennie was super hyper difficult because he is sick and was using the whiny voice at full capacity. To distract him long enough to bathe him, I told him that Spider-Man came to visit while he was at school. I said that Spider-Man wanted to know what he wants to do for his birthday this year and what presents he'd like. Bunny your face lit up like a thousand suns as you excitedly told me what to tell Spider-Man when he came back tomorrow.
You want a strawberry cake. You want a Spider-Man party. You'd like your friends to go to Spur and for everyone to sing with you. As gifts, you'd like cars - no, "dragon cars" which I later figured out means Transformers. So like, dudes that turn in to cars and apparently one looks like a dragon. Or something. You said it was a yellow car. You really are quite specific for a two year old. I adore that about you!
I noticed is that you don't want a bunny or train party anymore. You don't want to be at home. My little rabbit that loves his house and family now wants super heroes, Spur, cars and friends. You're growing up my son, and it's such a heartbreaking thing to witness. I'm so happy for you - you're advancing, growing, learning and succeeding, but I sort of feel like I'm being left behind somewhere. Like you're going on to something bigger and better and I'm here packing away your forgotten toys and outgrown clothes. Something about all of this just isn't fair. I don't know what to expect - I don't know what sons are like when they're six or eight or fifteen. Will you still love me as much as you do right now? Will you still wrap your arms around me and dry your wet face with mine when you're afraid, hurt or angry?
|Photo by Paul Clark - Benjamin 6 months or so.|
All I know is how damn much I love you every single day. Your little quirks and clownish behavior. Your big bambi eyes and full red lips take my breath away. Your face is heartbreakingly beautiful and your intentions are so good. You're so kind and you still believe me when I report that Spider-Man came to visit and I love that. I love that you still have so much magic, trust and wonder left inside you.
I promise that I'm happy for you. You're going to have such an amazing party with all your friends, songs, a strawberry cake and a yellow dragon car. I'll make sure of it. I'm going to be right there celebrating with you and cheering you on; my heart breaking carelessly in silence.