A few more of 'those' pictures: These by Jacqui van Staden, a friend x

These pictures were taken by a friend of ours, Jacqui van Staden. We were all making sandwiches in the kitchen, the boys were away and I'd had far too much wine. She asked me to pose and I love how these came out. This was after a full day of shooting with Paul and Kat, and my friend Claire was also over for garden drinks. I want to remember this night and the fun we had and the special time with my brother that I hardly ever see. Thanks Jacqui, I really love these (and you! and Paul! and Kat!) Pretty please on toast visit more often :(

Here is Kat (in my kitchen) and Jacqui, on her couch. These are very beautiful, talented and special girls x

The Birth Story Series: Tammy & Emily: Natural Birth with elective Epidural

This birth story is from one of my oldest, dearest school friends: Tammy. She had Emily at a young age, and her and the dad split up when Emily was a year old. She has since (very happily) married Ryan and they've just bought a house together. ALSO, they're expecting another beautiful little baba. I'm so happy for her. Here is her birth story, and how gorgeous little Emily came to be.

"It was a Wednesday and it was my last visit to the Doctor. He did an internal and checked my blood pressure and disappeared back into his office. He wanted to induce on Friday... Apparently my blood pressure was a little too high and Emily was ready to meet the world. What did I know  and I had no choice really? I also had no idea what ‘being induced’ actually meant? I just knew that it was really sore from the word go. I didn't really like that idea.

That night I had just finished eating dinner with my parents and Emily’s Dad (we lived with my parents) when I felt small cramps along my sides. I ignored them for as long as I could and then they just became so much harder. My dad told me to stop overacting and that it was all in my head! My mom told me to go have a warm bath and Emily’s father... Well he didn't really know what to say or do. I bathed and tried my best to ignore the pains but it got harder and harder. The cramps felt like slow stabbing jabs along my lower sides. At about 9:30pm my mom suggested we go to the hospital. Every speed hump felt like a harder stab to the gut….it was sore! It’s really scary not knowing what is going on, or what you should or shouldn't feel, and wondering if everything was okay!

The nurse examined me and said that I was having early labor symptoms?  I was about 1 cm dilated and she wanted me to go home and come back later. EARLY….What the heck? I have to be in labor! HOME? That woman was crazy in my eyes. I wasn't going anywhere! They found a bed for me and we waited for my doctor. Doctor arrived at 10 and did his internal checks etc etc. That same mad nurse came back in and announced it was time to do the enema….It was so degrading, I felt so dirty...It wasn't fun. The doctor came back in and said he wanted to break my waters. NOW THAT WAS PAINFUL! Breaking my waters with that huge hook (like a knitting needle) has to be the worst pain I can remember. It was really  really sore! 

The worst was over! Now I needed to get my epidural. I was managing with the cramps, but I didn't want it to get any worse than where I was at that stage. I was freaked out because it’s a big-ass needle but it was over really fast. Keeping still was hard, but breaking my water was much more painful.

I totally recommend an epidural. I was almost instantly comfy and I shortly fell asleep. YES I know everyone looks at me like I’m crazy…I REALLY DID FALL ASLEEP! I can vaguely remember my mom freaking out because she was worried that I was sleeping the whole time. I also had a bit of a itchy reaction to it…I didn't care I felt good.

I was in heaven and because I was relaxed I was dilating like a dream. At 2am the nurse called my doctor to say that I was almost ready. He couldn't believe it, he thought I would only have Emily the next morning. The doctor came running in at 2:30am in bright yellow PJ pants and a bright green long sleeved t-shirt. He put on his apron and gum boots and shouted “LETS DO THIS” –I swear he actually said this! The Gum boots freaked me out a little but it was time.

Emily Ann Atkinson was born at 3am on the 1st February 2007. She weighed 3.46 kg and I didn't feel a thing!!!!  She was perfect in every way! I had my mom and her father with me the whole time and the amazing doctor. He talked me through the whole thing and told me when to push and how to breathe. According to him did a amazing job…I think I was just lucky. Looking back I would not change a thing.

I really hope I’m this lucky with our new baby. Ryan’s is a amazing step father to Emily and I just know he is going to rock at helping me every step of the way with this new little bump! I’m very excited to start all over again. I’m older now and hopefully wiser…hahaha! Emily’s going to be such a good big sister. I’m very excited."

Thanks so much for sharing your story with us my love. I can't wait to see you guys again! Kisses x

A weekend away, too much relaxing and an incredibly serious fisherman.

We went to visit my mom in Betty's Bay this weekend. I really am starting to love our little weekends away. Daddy joined and the boys had the very best time. You have never met as excited little kids in your life - par Simba Surprise kids. 

I have to take a minute here to thank my mom for being *the* best mother and grandmother (Gaga) to my little family. The boys absolutely adore her and she's so good with them, so good at keeping their little minds and hands busy, and so affectionate and attentive. You only really realize how much your mother loves you and become truly grateful once you have your own kids and go through it all yourself, right? I had a Saturday afternoon nap and was woken up with tea and a cupcake. My mom cooked all weekend, the boys made a braai in the evenings, and there was loads of refreshments for mommies on hand. I felt so relaxed and content all weekend. Dankie mamma - rerig!

On Sunday we spent the day at the beach, and the boys had little nets, buckets, bread and loads of big rock pools to explore. The guys tried their hand at fishing, and the boys obviously took the sardines (bait) and pretended those were the fish that that they'd caught with their nets. And we totally pretended to buy the story. Noah hid from my camera all afternoon and was completely involved with his surroundings. Daddy taught Benjamin how to fish, and he was VERY serious about it guys. Strange how the boys are so different - Nu wasn't interested in fishing at all, but we couldn't keep Bunny away from the rods. Noah literally disappeared (within sight) when we got there and busied himself exploring. It's something beautiful to watch their little personalities develop at this age - they are such good kids, I'm so proud of them every day, all the time - every minute. 

Strange that it doesn't really feel like winter yet. I'm sure it was colder this time last year? We've been blessed with so many sunny days, but really cold nights. I hope that next weekend is just as warm so that we can go away again. Here are a few incredibly special pictures and memories from the beach. 

Two 'personal' days later, and a sort of personal blog post. In that order.

Sometimes I try keep my personal life off my blog at all costs. Sometimes I'm too busy and other times I just want to tell everyone how I feel, until I get distracted by something else. Being a parent doesn't mean that you stop being you. I still need my little 'time-outs' and often I get really over stimulated - the same way babies and toddlers do. The other morning Noah (I love you) started talking at 5:30am, didn't nap and did not stop talking until he fell gloriously asleep at around 8pm. While I put on my best fake smile after 4  (fine 2) hours of this, I do have my limits. My head hurt everywhere, even behind my eyes. 

Wait, this is not a post complaining about kids and their noise. I could start a whole other blog on that. That, and what disgusting little creatures kids can be. How they dunk their toast in orange juice, eat anything they'll find in the folds of their car seat (7 month old bread crusts are totally not fine guys) and stick their hands in the toilet bowl at any given opportunity. I love them so much, those quirky, idiotic, adorable, infuriating, noisy, affectionate and incredibly sweet little boys. 

I'm not going to bore you with all our little problems like Bunny's tummy bugs he brings home from school, or big ones like a marriage that is sometimes hard. Show me a perfect marriage and I'll show you a pair of newly weds, right? It's hard, hard work, but you pick one person and make it work (sometimes) and enjoy the good parts where you can. During the bad parts, you consider some good old pillow smothering or whatever it is that helps you through the bad bits. Do not actually smother your husband with a pillow because they can pick up the traces of feathers in the autopsy and they will find you. I saw it on CSI once guys. See, you learn so much from reading my blog.

Right now I'm trying to simplify everything, for everyone. I've started with little admin things and spring cleaning and declining a lot of mandatory things that aren't really actually mandatory. I have all this free time now. Even a simple thing like shopping for groceries online can free up an entire Saturday morning.  WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME? 

Right now, without getting in to detail - I haven't been myself. I'm not particularly happy or exceptionally sad, I'm just... neutral, but unsatisfied. That's the word I'm after... Unsatisfied. I have so much (everything) to be grateful for, but there's an itchy bit somewhere that I need to scratch. I don't even know what or where it is. I cut a fringe (spoiler alert, it wasn't that). I started going out more, and it wasn't that. I thought... Maybe I should get a dog. Landlord said no. Then I thought cat, but I was like "I don't even like cats". I even considered having another baby, like you could just buy one at the shops and I was like NO TASH YOU WILL NOT FILL A PERSONAL VOID WITH A BABY, you will not be that person. 

So I handed in my resignation at work instead.

And now I'm like. OMG. I quit my job. Why did I do that - what will I do now? What was I thinking?

Let the adventure begin. 

"We love you like the boys would love to eat that cake" *Mother's Day*

Sunday morning was perfect. I have been spoilt something ridiculous this Mother's Day by my family, friends, readers and a few brands that support & read Raising Men. Thanks again to Cadbury, Dove, NoMU, Woolworths, Artistry, Stork and Style36. Your gifts really made me feel special. 

The biggest thing I was looking forward to was clumsy, imperfect little cards from the boys as they're both in school now, and that's what school kids do. I got the most beautiful crafts from them, they're already framed and I'll take a picture a bit later. On Sunday morning I got my favorite breakfast in bed: French toast, poached eggs and grilled tomato. The boys had made another card with daddy on the sneak and they came bursting in to the room with the boys singing Happy Birthday to me. I got a very cool laptop bag, flowers, chocolates, breakfast and this really cool little bag below. 

Thanks Graeme for making it so special and thanks for cleaning the house while the boys and I cuddled and tickled in bed for at least two hours. Also, thanks for getting these pictures in. My favorite part of the card is Ben's name. I asked "Um, how did Ben write his name... he can't write?" and G said "I sort of wrote it with my left hand. I forged his handwriting" Thanks for such a special morning guys. Our little family isn't perfectly art directed or photographed, but I like us just like this. I also like you guys most when you can't fit the last "S" in. Thanks for loving me x